


How to Grapefruit Your Bard

by poselikeateam



Series: Lambert is bad at sex (and it's probably on purpose) [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Grapefruit, Idiots in Love, Lambert Being a Little Shit (The Witcher), M/M, Memes, No Plot/Plotless, Not Beta Read, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Top Lambert (The Witcher), Trans Lambert (The Witcher)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:00:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28923249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam
Summary: Lambert wants to try something new, a trick he picked up in a brothel that he's never gotten the chance to try. Valdo knows better than to go along with it, but that doesn't stop him from agreeing to it anyway. Maybe this time, he'll learn his lesson.
Relationships: Lambert/Valdo Marx
Series: Lambert is bad at sex (and it's probably on purpose) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026285
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	How to Grapefruit Your Bard

"Hey, do you trust me?" Lambert asks, apropos of nothing. 

Reflexively, Valdo responds, "Absolutely not." Then, once his brain catches up to him, he tacks on a very suspicious, "Why?"

Lambert's grin is feral, and it tells Valdo everything he needs to know. "Smart answer," he says. "Think you can learn to trust me for a night?"

Valdo pauses. Whenever Lambert has an idea that involves sex, it's either very good, or very bad. It is almost always ridiculous. Still, it's not like anything Lambert has planned is likely to kill him. 

"I could be persuaded."

**

“Is this really necessary?” Valdo asks for what must be the thousandth fucking time.

Finally, Lambert budges, if only a little. “Fine, if you fucking hate fun so much,” he grouses, “I’m going to suck your dick while you’re blindfolded. Good enough for you?”

Now, Valdo Marx is many things. He’s a higher vampire, a troubadour, an absolute pain in the ass… but, at the end of the day, he’s only a man. Lambert, a man himself, knows that all he really needs is to dangle the promise of getting his cock sucked in front of him, and Valdo will have to take the bait. His gamble — if you can even call it that, because again, he’s pretty damned sure he knows what the fuck he’s talking about — pays off. 

“Fine,” sighs Valdo, finally lying back on his elbows and letting Lambert get to work. 

Lambert grins, and gets started.

**

Valdo puts up with a lot from Lambert. He doesn’t think a bit of healthy suspicion is unreasonable, where his ridiculous witcher is concerned. The only thing Lambert seems to enjoy in the bedroom more than fucking is ruining it. Therefore, Valdo is completely justified in being at least a _little bit_ wary, thank you very much.

All things considered, it’s not as bad as he’d feared. The witcher is making the loudest, most obnoxious slurping noises; Valdo thinks that Lambert might be hurting his own sensitive ears with how performatively loud he’s being. He sounds like he’s drowning. 

That said, he must reiterate that he has dealt with far stranger things, having sex with Lambert. And, well, it does feel _very_ good.

“Now take the blindfold off,” Lambert says just as his climax is nearing, which doesn’t make sense because there’s still a mouth on his prick, but—

Oh. Maybe not.

For some fucking reason, Lambert is stroking him off with… with a grapefruit? Yes, one grapefruit with the ends cut off and a hole the size of his prick sliced out of the middle. His pace doesn’t slow, and his mouth is on the head of Valdo’s cock, and he doesn’t know what to _do_ with this information. 

“What the fuc— _ah!”_ he tries to ask, but damn it, he was too close already. Despite the strangeness of being _stroked off with a grapefruit_ , he’s coming, painting Lambert’s lips and tongue — and the fucking _grapefruit_ — with his spend.

As good as it may have felt, he’s never trusting Lambert again.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is a link to the video if you haven't seen it. And, if you want to support me, yell at me, get updates on my writing, or see my new cat (his name is Eskel! I love him so much) you can check it all out [on my Twitter](https://twitter.com/poselikeateam)! 
> 
> I am not sorry, even though I probably should be


End file.
